My Very Own Bully Pulpit
It is said that President Teddy Roosevelt coined the phrase "Bully Pulpit" because he thought the office he held gave him an incredible platform to advocate for the causes and agenda he found worthwhile, an arena for him to express his views and persuade public opinion. At the time, the word "bully" meant "terrific" or "wonderful" but today "bully" has taken on a very different and powerful meaning in our culture.
One of my favorite movies growing up was "The Karate Kid." I doubt that there's anyone reading this that hasn't seen the movie 400 times, but in case you haven't.... the story is about an unassuming boy named Daniel who is being threatened and beaten up by a jerk (Johnny). Daniel studies karate with this eccentric old man and triumphantly beats Johnny in a karate tournament at the end of the movie.
This movie defined "bullying" for me: One person in a more powerful position degrading or bothering another person in a less powerful position.
When I was growing up, I was picked on all the time, especially in grades 5-8. Between my permed-mullet hairstyle, stellar grades and permanent position up my teachers' asses I was a prime bullying target. I was spit on, teased, pushed, threatened and even beaten up a couple of times. It never occurred to me or my parents to complain to the school about it. Instead, my parents talked to me about how to respond (or not, as the case sometimes was). Although they were all horrible experiences, I have to admit they forced me to learn to defend myself both physically and verbally.... and how to ignore the "Haters." For better or worse, these adverse experiences helped me grow into a more self-confident and assertive person. As a matter of fact, after I physically defended myself in one of these fights people stopped picking on me altogether.
Fast forward to 2017, our schools host "bullying awareness weeks." We have "Zero Tolerance" policies. We continuously see stories in the news about kids who are bullied online and at school, kids who commit suicide due to the intense bullying, etc. My heart breaks for these kids and their families, especially in cases of cyber-bullying because the anonymity allows the perpetrators to be particularly relentless and vicious. These are NOT the types of incidences I'm talking about in this post.
I AM NOT SAYING it's the fault of kids who killed themselves or that they should have had a tougher skin. I absolutely recognize that this is a very real problem in our world. I AM saying that, as parents, we should stop trying to shield our kids from every moment of discomfort and ridicule they face and help them learn that you can be teased without expecting the teaser to have a consequence...
That's an actual poster that some schools are using today. Now, I know we are becoming a more evolved ("woke", if you will) society, but I also worry about teaching our kids teasing and name-calling are things they don't have to tolerate and if it happens we are going to remove that person from your environment. I am not condoning name-calling, etc. but I worry about the victim's ability to function in the real world when s/he grows up. I also worry about the kid who is being labeled a bully. Why doesn't anyone ever talk about trying to help him/her not behave in this way?
Here's a link to a really good article from CNN:
Bullying Definition Overused
Here's my personal story of dealing with "is it bullying?" as a parent:
This past school year, I got a text from a parent ("Amy") who I have known for a long time. Amy said my child was teasing her son ("John") and calling him "fat." I was absolutely horrified, said that I would speak to my child and asked Amy if we could come over to apologize in person. Amy said it wasn't appropriate. When I confronted my own child, he denied having done anything (I didn't believe him) and even accused "John" of teasing him. I went back to Parent and said the only way we're really going to kill this thing is if we do a face to face confrontation; he won't be able to deny it if he's sitting in front of your kid. Amy refused. I'm guessing she thought John should not have to face his tormentor? She was adament and I had no choice but do the best that I could with my own child. We watched bullying videos and had many conversations about how hurtful words can be.
A few weeks later, I got a phone call from the school that John had been teasing my child at lunch and my child got up and punched him repeatedly in the head. One of their mutual friends pulled my child off John and restrained him. Make no mistake: I was absolutely DISGUSTED that my kid would do something like this. It is absolutely inexcusable; he knew it then and he understands even better now. We went to the school for a conference and learned the other parents were calling my child a bully and seeking his expulsion. To their credit, the school never labeled him a bully but did say that if it kept happening, he'd be expelled.
I called Amy again and tried to persuade her to have a "sit down" with the boys. I made the argument that their whole lives these kids are going to deal with people they don't like and who rub them the wrong way. You can't punch the Office Jerk when he mocks your ideas and if you have a problem with Sandy in Accounting's nasty attitude, you probably can't demand your boss fire her. I told Amy that we had a teachable moment here and that we could show these boys how to resolve things with people who bug them. All our kids need to learn how to be civil to people they dislike; they also need to learn how to stand up for themselves. We can teach them being mocked isn't the end of the world; sometimes you really do need to just grow a thicker skin. Very important life skills.
Amy reiterated that John did not want to meet with my child. I told her this is not bullying because they're both bothering each other. "It takes two to tango!" I, personally, believe John did not want to sit down with us because it would have come out that he was also teasing my child. Amy maintained it was completely one-sided and this was destroying her child.
The next day, I texted Amy that my child (who is kind of skinny and much smaller than John) had been complaining in class that his arm felt funny and John loudly announced (in a baby voice) "Aww, you're getting your first tiny little muscle that's why your arm hurts!" Two days later, I texted her that my son had caught a ball in a funny way at recess that day, and cried because his hand hurt. John laughed at him and announced that he was a big baby. Amy stopped responding to my texts.
Another parent even told me "Amy" went so far as to say that John couldn't attend a birthday party "for his own safety" because my child would be there.
At this point, I got the school involved. The principal and vice-principal held a mini-mediation with the boys (basically saying: stay away from each other!) and that was the end of the problem. The two boys kept their distance the rest of the year and had no further issues with each other.
In researching for this post, I found another great article Why is the current generation so sensitive?
Again, I'm NOT saying bullying isn't a very real problem. But we can learn and teach the difference between "kids are such jerks!" behavior and "bullying".
One of my favorite movies growing up was "The Karate Kid." I doubt that there's anyone reading this that hasn't seen the movie 400 times, but in case you haven't.... the story is about an unassuming boy named Daniel who is being threatened and beaten up by a jerk (Johnny). Daniel studies karate with this eccentric old man and triumphantly beats Johnny in a karate tournament at the end of the movie.
This movie defined "bullying" for me: One person in a more powerful position degrading or bothering another person in a less powerful position.
When I was growing up, I was picked on all the time, especially in grades 5-8. Between my permed-mullet hairstyle, stellar grades and permanent position up my teachers' asses I was a prime bullying target. I was spit on, teased, pushed, threatened and even beaten up a couple of times. It never occurred to me or my parents to complain to the school about it. Instead, my parents talked to me about how to respond (or not, as the case sometimes was). Although they were all horrible experiences, I have to admit they forced me to learn to defend myself both physically and verbally.... and how to ignore the "Haters." For better or worse, these adverse experiences helped me grow into a more self-confident and assertive person. As a matter of fact, after I physically defended myself in one of these fights people stopped picking on me altogether.
(not an actual photo of me, but very close...)
Fast forward to 2017, our schools host "bullying awareness weeks." We have "Zero Tolerance" policies. We continuously see stories in the news about kids who are bullied online and at school, kids who commit suicide due to the intense bullying, etc. My heart breaks for these kids and their families, especially in cases of cyber-bullying because the anonymity allows the perpetrators to be particularly relentless and vicious. These are NOT the types of incidences I'm talking about in this post.
I AM NOT SAYING it's the fault of kids who killed themselves or that they should have had a tougher skin. I absolutely recognize that this is a very real problem in our world. I AM saying that, as parents, we should stop trying to shield our kids from every moment of discomfort and ridicule they face and help them learn that you can be teased without expecting the teaser to have a consequence...
That's an actual poster that some schools are using today. Now, I know we are becoming a more evolved ("woke", if you will) society, but I also worry about teaching our kids teasing and name-calling are things they don't have to tolerate and if it happens we are going to remove that person from your environment. I am not condoning name-calling, etc. but I worry about the victim's ability to function in the real world when s/he grows up. I also worry about the kid who is being labeled a bully. Why doesn't anyone ever talk about trying to help him/her not behave in this way?
Here's a link to a really good article from CNN:
"Bullying," some researchers say, has been misused and abused in the past few years: too casually uttered about every hurt, slight and fight, too frequently used in place of "teasing" or "fighting," too often brought up before there's proof it happened.
"By calling everything bullying, we're actually failing to recognize the seriousness of the problem," said Elizabeth Englander, a professor of psychology and founder and director of the Massachusetts Aggression Reduction Center at Bridgewater State University. "It's one of the unfortunate side effects of doing an awareness campaign. ... Everyone wants to adopt it."
Bullying Definition Overused
Here's my personal story of dealing with "is it bullying?" as a parent:
This past school year, I got a text from a parent ("Amy") who I have known for a long time. Amy said my child was teasing her son ("John") and calling him "fat." I was absolutely horrified, said that I would speak to my child and asked Amy if we could come over to apologize in person. Amy said it wasn't appropriate. When I confronted my own child, he denied having done anything (I didn't believe him) and even accused "John" of teasing him. I went back to Parent and said the only way we're really going to kill this thing is if we do a face to face confrontation; he won't be able to deny it if he's sitting in front of your kid. Amy refused. I'm guessing she thought John should not have to face his tormentor? She was adament and I had no choice but do the best that I could with my own child. We watched bullying videos and had many conversations about how hurtful words can be.
A few weeks later, I got a phone call from the school that John had been teasing my child at lunch and my child got up and punched him repeatedly in the head. One of their mutual friends pulled my child off John and restrained him. Make no mistake: I was absolutely DISGUSTED that my kid would do something like this. It is absolutely inexcusable; he knew it then and he understands even better now. We went to the school for a conference and learned the other parents were calling my child a bully and seeking his expulsion. To their credit, the school never labeled him a bully but did say that if it kept happening, he'd be expelled.
I called Amy again and tried to persuade her to have a "sit down" with the boys. I made the argument that their whole lives these kids are going to deal with people they don't like and who rub them the wrong way. You can't punch the Office Jerk when he mocks your ideas and if you have a problem with Sandy in Accounting's nasty attitude, you probably can't demand your boss fire her. I told Amy that we had a teachable moment here and that we could show these boys how to resolve things with people who bug them. All our kids need to learn how to be civil to people they dislike; they also need to learn how to stand up for themselves. We can teach them being mocked isn't the end of the world; sometimes you really do need to just grow a thicker skin. Very important life skills.
Amy reiterated that John did not want to meet with my child. I told her this is not bullying because they're both bothering each other. "It takes two to tango!" I, personally, believe John did not want to sit down with us because it would have come out that he was also teasing my child. Amy maintained it was completely one-sided and this was destroying her child.
The next day, I texted Amy that my child (who is kind of skinny and much smaller than John) had been complaining in class that his arm felt funny and John loudly announced (in a baby voice) "Aww, you're getting your first tiny little muscle that's why your arm hurts!" Two days later, I texted her that my son had caught a ball in a funny way at recess that day, and cried because his hand hurt. John laughed at him and announced that he was a big baby. Amy stopped responding to my texts.
Another parent even told me "Amy" went so far as to say that John couldn't attend a birthday party "for his own safety" because my child would be there.
At this point, I got the school involved. The principal and vice-principal held a mini-mediation with the boys (basically saying: stay away from each other!) and that was the end of the problem. The two boys kept their distance the rest of the year and had no further issues with each other.
In researching for this post, I found another great article Why is the current generation so sensitive?
Again, I'm NOT saying bullying isn't a very real problem. But we can learn and teach the difference between "kids are such jerks!" behavior and "bullying".
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