What have we gotten ourselves into?

My 10 year old son is playing tackle football this year. They have practice 4 nights a week, plus a game every weekend. When he started asking to play, my husband and I said no to him again and again, for weeks and weeks, before we finally assented.  We had so many reasons for him not to play: potential injuries, distraction from school, but mostly it was reluctance to disrupt our schedule, etc. However, we also figured the fact that he lobbied so hard meant that he was mature enough to try working towards a goal alongside his team.


On the surface, I think team sports are a great idea. The kids get exercise and they learn how to work as a team towards a goal. They have fun playing with their friends and they learn how to play and/or improve at a sport they enjoy playing. I am all about finding ways to expose my children to fun and exercise, friends and teamwork.  It's only when the adults get involved that we start screwing things up.

Last night, we had our first team meeting. I heard the following statements from the coaches: "We want to grow this team!" (they already have 230 kids between all the age levels)  "We want to put this program on the map!" "We want to win! Sure, we want to have fun but we want to WIN WIN WIN!"

I see so much of this in my town. Parents who take their kids' sports too seriously and coaches who reinforce it. For the time being I don't think there's much we can do about it, and frankly, I seem to be the only parent who has a problem with any of this.  I was certainly the only parent who spoke up about it at the meeting.

In an attempt to make our values and priorities extremely clear to our child, my husband and I made him sign a contract between our family. His participation will be suspended from the team (by us) if he's in breach of contract.

Several years ago, when this same child was 7 years old he played flag football on a pretty intense team. The field of competition for 7 year old flag football players isn't too saturated in our town. We had several kids that were quite good (for 7 year olds), as well as a few (like my own child) whose team spirit and sportsmanship made up for their mediocre skill and lack of focus.

Because there wasn't much competition, our team managed to win every game that season. However, the coach would send us parents emails saying things like "This team is starting to believe its own hype! It's time to buckle down and get serious!"  And "No more fooling around. These kids need commit to getting to bed by 9, even on the weekends!"  And "It's tough being a (Team Name)!" I wish I was joking about this.

They had practice a couple nights a week and would be out until 8, sometimes 9 pm on practice nights, plus a game every Saturday. We were relieved and delighted when the season was over. (1) We found it to be very disruptive to our family routine and schedule and (2) I think it's unhealthy for children to hear these messages that they need to "buckle down" and "get serious" about sports.

Do you remember the movie Uncle Buck? You saw it, you know you did. Anyway.... remember the conversation when Uncle Buck goes to visit the school principal....

Principal:  [Your niece is] a twiddler, a dreamer, a silly heart and she is a jabberbox.
And, frankly I don’t think she takes a thing in her life or her career as a student seriously. 

Buck:  She’s only six. 

Principal:  That is not a valid excuse! I hear that every day and I dismiss it. 

Buck:  I don’t think I want to know a six-year-old who isn’t a dreamer or a silly heart. I sure don’t want to know one who takes their student career seriously. I don’t have a college degree. I don’t even have a job.... but I know a good kid when I see one. Because they’re all good kids until dried-out, brain-dead skags like you drag them down and convince them they’re no good. 

In my opinion, this is what we're teaching kids by telling them they need to step up their "game". If there is an less intense option out there to only play for a couple hours on Saturday mornings, my kid isn't interested anyway, because all his friends are playing with the "intense" team. He's playing, he loves it, and the coaches all say he is passionate and fearless.  I'm proud of his dedication, grateful for the coaches (who are all volunteers) and I hope we feel positive about this experience at the end of the season.